Rejected 8/2913 - For those who asked

From Paul Edinger's Chess Set ...

This crap goes out to Hawk Harrelson. In last week's broadcast of the Sox-Royals game, Hawk turned to Steve Stone and asked "You know what experience is? It's something you got when you didn't want to get it." Hawk, that's not experience;that sounds more like Prison Rape. You see Hawk, Experience is knowledge or skill of something gained through exposure. Experience could be your favorite non-metric "The Will to Win" which you went on to talk about saying that young players can learn this through exposure to veterans and organizations, you know: Experience! So which is it Hawk, is TWTW something you got through actual experience or is TWTW something you never wanted that the great Clyde Kluttz forced on you possibly in a Penn State shower? So Hawk Harrelson, consider this unwanted criticism "experience" and who you crappin?

Romney Reboot 10.0: Romney Shows his Feelings

With the Romney campaign on it's 9th reboot, I figure the boys are just about out of ideas.  So why not turn to somewhere else that's out of ideas: Hollywood. I think this stump speech will play well to his base.  Also, he could even incorporate Sandra Bullock into it because she's actually been seen with a black person ...

Mitt: I want to tell you a story. I'm going to ask you all to close your eyes while I tell you the story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves. Go ahead. Close your eyes, please. This is a story about a little boy riding his olympic dancing horse home from practice one sunny afternoon. I want you to picture this little boy. Suddenly a ghetto station wagon races up. Two gay men jump out and grab him. They drag him into a nearby field and they tie him up and they rip his $2,000 riding suit from his body. Now they go through his wallet. First one, then the other, raping his wallet, shattering everything innocent and monetary with a communist paw in a fog of entitled breath and sweat. And when they're done, after they've taxed his tiny wallet, murdered any chance for him to have a tax shelter, to have life beyond his own country, they decide to use him for target practice. They start throwing full arugula plants at him. They throw them so hard that it tears the flesh all the way to his bones. Then they urinate on him and the American flag. Now comes the hanging. They have a rope. They tie a noose. Imagine the noose going tight around his neck and with a sudden blinding jerk he's pulled into the air and his feet and legs go kicking. They don't find the ground. The hanging branch isn't strong enough because it was made by Mexicans. It snaps and he falls back to the earth. So they pick him up, throw him in the back of the truck and drive out to a Kenyan bridge over Kenyan Creek. Pitch him over the edge. And he drops some forty-seven feet down to the creek bottom below. Can you see him? His taxed, beaten, broken wallet soaked in their urine, soaked in their socialism, soaked in his own red-white-and-rich blood, left to die. Can you see him? I want you to picture that little boy. Now imagine he's a corporation.

Thousands flock to "Pedo Graceland"

Penn State University - Thousands of peophiles and child-rape enthusiasts have flocked to Penn State to pay homage at the feet of revered coach, humanitarian, and pedophilia-rights activist Joe Paterno or "JoePa" as he was lovingly known to community, fans, and alleged victims.  As news that the Board of Trustees were convening to render a decision as to whether to take down the iconic statue of the legend, thousands heard the call and came not only to show respect to their fallen deity but to show solidarity among pedophiles and their enablers everywhere.

When this reporter asked Brian Jones of Clarion  why he felt the need to visit the JoePa statue he became overwhelmed with every emotion but shame. "Well to be honest, I just felt I had to do it," he said through the tears. "JoePa was a great man who won a lot of football games and really was an inspiration to the young and old.  Especially if the old liked to have sex with the young.  You just don't see that kind of character and integrity any more."

Kevin D. Diddler of Gettysburg was quick to point out that the Board of Trustees overstepped their bounds in firing Coach Paterno months ago. "We all saw it," says Mr. Diddler. "There was no evidence.  They just wanted him out.  It was bigotry and a rush to judgement.  They wanted JoePa out no matter how many years it took them to do it.  They finally got their way."

When asked about the fact that Sandusky was eventually found guilty of 45 counts of child sexual abuse and the Freeh Report showed Coach Paterno helped cover it up for years, Mr. Diddler became enraged.  "I don't know what kinda 'news' you report but I get my news from ESPN! Like Matt Millen said the Freeh Report is just one man's opinion. It's obvious to all us here that JoePa was a great man and even in his death he is being persecuted for believing in himself, his school, his friends, and that blowing whistles on pedophiles was inhumane! You see that sign there it says 'Educator, Coach, Humanitarian.' and THAT is what JoePa was!"

The impromptu memorial\rally drew people as far away as Washington D.C. such as D.J. Love III who found the "Paterno way" an inspiration. "I think the quote on the statue really sums up JoePa's legacy and the Paterno way," said Love referring to the inscription "Success with Honor".  "I mean not only did he build this community being the greatest football coach ever but he transformed it into a shining beacon of tolerance. Let's be honest, the people of this community - and most of the students - are simple, mouth-breathing hill-jacks.  If they saw two men kissing in public they would probably run them out of town if not beat them to a pulp there on the spot.  But if you're a man having sex with a boy in the shower, no one bats an eye. It's a community of tolerance and truly a Happy Valley and he - Coach Joe Paterno - is our Rosa Parks."

Not all of those at Penn State shared the outpouring sentiment however.  One high-ranking school official who would only speak on condition of anonymity said, "I just don't understand it. How can these people in light of all that has happened still cheer an enabler of child-rape."

When asked whether they felt the need to speak-up, the official summed it up: "To speak up is to put a target on your back.  Joe Paterno still has a long reach even in death.  I just wish someone would step up and take care of this situation.  I feel just like those children must have felt.  Won't someone come help us?"

Economics for Corporation Tax-Cut Enthusiats

a.k.a. ECON101 for ABSOLUTELY FUCKING STUPID ...

Say I'm in the business of selling widgets. Normally, we produce five widgets a day and sell five widgets a day, and make a reasonable profit on this. With the economic downturn however, we're now only selling four widgets a day, and our cash flow is starting to run negative. Unfortunately, we have to let go one of our widget-makers to make ends meet.

Republicans see this and give us a tax break to offset our cost. Now thanks to the tax breaks, we have the same positive cash flow as we did before and have enough income to pay our fifth widget-maker again. But why would we hire him back? We're still only selling four widgets a day, so hiring on a fifth worker would only earn us warehouse costs for storing overstock.

Meanwhile, the middle-class starts complaining about their cost of living, and Republicans tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and manage their money better. Stop buying all those unnecessary luxuries like video games, appliances, and widgets.

The middle-class realizes that the Republicans aren't going to help them and tighten their belts. Now we're down to selling three widgets a day, and our cash-flow is going negative again. Our fourth widget-maker is let go. Republicans start flailing and demanding that our company needs an even bigger tax break so that we can keep our workers. But even if we end up paying 0% in taxes, the fact still remains that our company's income comes from the middle class.

Our income troubles are NOT because we are being taxed too heavily, it's because there is no demand for our product because the consumer class who supplies us with our income is being bled dry by the very government claiming to be helping us. Yes, more usable cash allows for us to create jobs but only if that cash comes from an increase in sales, not a decrease in taxes. It's the middle class who needs more free cash flow, not us. Once our consumers have more buying power, the money pumped back into the economy will find its way back to us, and we'll have the incentive to start hiring again.

The Long Game

After several attempts to quell a growing black bear population the Alabama legislator - after several failed attempts - put out a $250,000 reward for anyone who could fix the problem. Months later and still no realistic claims for the reward, a young man came to the state capitol and declared he would fix the problem but it would cost the state $5 million dollars.

Desperate but no sucker, the Governor asked "How do you fix to do that son?"

The young man responded, "Well governor, as a young boy I was raised good Christian and know the bible through and through."

The Governor said skeptically, "Well that doesn't explain how you're going to fix it."

The young man responded, "Well Governor, I also was given by God the ability to speak with animals. I've spent every day of my life praying and giving glory to God. And every chance I get I go to the woods to be with his creatures. I figured the time has come to do God's work and I will convert the black bears to Christianity and teach them abstinence."

The governor was quite taken aback by this but the young man went on. "And Governor, I do not want any money. I will go to the woods for some time and then if the black bear problem isn't fixed come next season, you will not owe me a single penny. Whatta you say, sir?"

So the Governor thought and prayed on it and finally agreed. So one Monday, the young man, surrounded by television crews, skeptics, well-wishers, and the governor himself walked into the woods with just some meager belongings and holding his holy bible high above his head. Six weeks later the young man came walking out of the woods to quite less fanfare but met the governor again telling him "I will return in 6 months and you will see the fruits of my work."

Six months goes by and sure enough the young man returns. And to the governors delight the black bear population had dropped significantly back down to acceptable levels. The young man was brought to the capital to much fanfare as the governor presented him with a check for $5 million and thousands of fans as well as throes of media. The young man simply accepted the check smiled and said "All glory to you my Lord." The young man took pictures, shook hands, spoke the gospel and at the end of the celebration disappeared just as mysteriously as he had come.

A month later - just by happenstance - a yankee reporter down south for a convention came across the young man drinking a beer in a small tavern. The reporter, recognizing the young man was overcome with curiosity and made his way over offering to buy the young man a beer and - perchance - get an inside story. The young man obliged and the reporter bellied up to the bar with him.

Being a yankee and a reporter, he was obviously skeptical but his curiosity was too much to contain. "So how did you take care of the black bear population?" he asked.

The young man looked him like he was dense and simply replied "Well I did what I said I was going to do, I went into the woods and I taught the black bears the bible and abstinence-only sex education."

"That's impossible," the reporter blurted. "They can't even teach PEOPLE abstinence-only sex education what's your trick?"

The young man took a long pull on his beer and with coy smile asked "Off the record?"

The reporter, now overcome with more curiosity than a big scoop thought hard, and finally beaten, said "Yes".

The young man smiled wide, took another drink and began "Well, I grew up in the woods all my life. I went to college and studied Biology focusing on wildlife. I then went on and got a PHD as well. After college I came back to Alabama and couldn't find work because of my college education, so I did what I could to get by. When the black bears became a problem I began looking at the different causes for it - and without boring you - I found that it was just a natural spike in their population which would soon ebb just as everything does in nature." And with that he sat back and took a self-satisfied drink of his beer.

The reporter was stunned. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. "So you made up some story about speaking to animals and all of that?? Why didn't you just tell them the truth?!?"

The young man's smile turned to a very serious face for once. He looked the reporter dead in his face and said "Do you think anyone in this state would believe me if I told them it was 'science'?"

As the reporter took this in, the young man beemed again as he added "Plus, next year they're going to pay me another $2 million just to go back and try and reach the black bears who didn't convert!"

"Palin Conservatives"

Here is the link to the story:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/27/michigan-town-bid-guantanamo-inmates
... and my letter to the "stop gitmo north" twat-waffles ... You too can e-mail them at:
stopgitmonorth@gmail.com

Dear "Americans" without balls,

Wow, I mean WOW! Do all of you wet the bed individually or is it more of a group effort? People like you are the reason the rest of America has to hang their heads in shame. Dave Munson calls himself a "Palin conservative"? REally? Does that mean to shiat your pants and hope someone else fights the war on terrorism?

And what the fuck kind of town do you live in? It's damn near bankrupt so your ELECTED mayor wants federal money to bail you out? Sounds EXTREMELY conservative to me you fucktards! And then there are the cowards like yourselves. Jesus your town threat level must look like this:

Threat Level ORANGE: RUN
Threat Level RED: HIDE
Threat Level WHITE: SURRENDER
Threat Level YELLOW: COLLABORATE

Jesus tap dancing Christ on a cracker, I thought the French were cowardly. You've taken cowardice to a whole new level. Not only are you shiatting the bed about terrorists, you're actually petrified of incarcerated terrorists in your own SuperMax prison? Just secede from the U.S. so the rest of us don't have to bare the brunt of your incredibly pathetic pussification of our country's values.

Fuck you sincerely and GO BE SCARED SOMEHWERE ELSE!

Little 8lb 5oz, bearded, capitalist baby Jeebus with an M-16

As a confirmation that both Hollywood and the Republican party have zero ideas left, Repblican officials have decided that a "purity" test be issued so that each candidate must stay true to 8 of 10 of their "goals". Of course these "goals" start with the words "we support" and end with "opposing anything that the Democrats support". It would be funny if this country wasn't built upon a 2-party system but now it's just sad. I do not blindly follow Democratic leadership but what's troubling is that their seems to be NO Republican leadership to follow. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Mann Coulter? It seems like the only hope for the once conservative, astute Republican party is to get all of the wingnuts in one place and have Karl Rove go suicide bomber for the good of the party ... But I semi-digress. Let's check out the new propaganda, er, I mean "purity" oath ...

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;
... but we're A-OK with bailing out banks and Wall Street like George W. Bush did. That's important stuff. So important John McCain felt the need to suspend his presidential campaign to help billionaires and millionaires pull themselves up by their bootstraps with a fresh influx of taxpayer money so they could piss it away all over again. God bless supply-side little baby Jeebus!

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;
Hmmm ... starting to seed a trend. We are against Obama-style run government because we are so THERE! Neener-neener-neener!

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;
What the fuck does this mean exactly? Market-based energy reforms? Really like you backed bank deregulation? Hey guys, can you please start being more environmentally conservative because we know it costs you more and you pollute the shit outta everything and drive up energy prices, but pretty please!

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;
Not even going to touch this one ...

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;
Um ... John McCain is the CO-SPONSOR of a bill that would give amnesty to illegal immigrants. Obama hasn't touched this one with a 10-foot pole and he'd be damn well NOT to touch it.

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
Kill the brown people! USA! USA! USA! SURGE! SURGE! SURGE! Funny GWB had years of a Republican controlled Congress and Executive Branch and only manage to turn both wars into a catastrophic FUBAR ... Of course now it's the Democrats problems and they ain't cleaning up this Republican-made clusterfuck fast enough. Fuck I hate idiotic hypocrites.

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;
Hey, here's something we can all agree on. Of course it's completely vague and has no discernible plan or even coherent thought but let's give a point to our little retard friends!

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;
We don't want no fags getting married. Fags are for beating, persecuting, and running for Republican office while totally hiding in the closet or nearest men's room!

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion;
We want abstinence based sex-ed because if it's good enough for Sarah Palin it's good enough for us! Also, we don't want all you fags, commies, liberals, socialists, and darkies aborting your babies so ... Hold on a tick, we may want to re-think this one!?!

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership;
Like the restrictions that were set in the constitution of your right to bear arms? I know the NRA needs a boogeyman to fight against but give me a fucking break. All I heard was how Obama was single-handedly gonna go door-to-door and take everyone's guns. It looks to me like the same gun restrictions are still in place and the state levels are the problem not the national level. Hell, give me a Republican Illinois gubernatorial candidate that wants to introduce conceal-and-carry laws and I'll campaign for the man!

Jesus fucking christ tap dancing on a cracker ... please can the moderates start talking and the rest of you fucking morons be raptured already!?!

BBD

No, I am not starting a new rap group or referring to any new mainstream terrorist organization. BBD stands for "Bigger Better Deal". I am writing this to help what I believe is 90% of the world. It is one thing in life to want the most out of it, it is quite another to be continuously searching for the BBD. What's the difference? Take a look at how much you spent on psychiatric care last year.

I have a few friends who fit this mold. I have more than a few ex-friends who fit this even more. A person looking for the BBD hops from job to job, bed to bed, and whatever flavor of the month comes along. These are the people who often bitch about their lives and then regail you with stories of their grand plans. Of course, these grand plans often involve doing as little as possible and someone handing them millions of dollars. Often it involves their current shack-up and the fairy tale life they will be leading. Of course, a month from now, it will be a new fairy tale with a new co-star, but that point is oblivious to these people.

Need to spot a BBD person, just look for someone unreliable, under-educated, fucks anything that moves, often bouncing between jobs, and tells you about how great their future will be. They only need to fit 4 of the 5 criteria to be considered a BBD. Here are some of my favorite example from people I have known. Names have been changed just because I am about to slander the shit out of them and the main thing about these opportunistic fuck-sticks is their ability to take advantage of a situation.

Jerome - The epitome of BBD. Couldn't keep a job, girlfriend, or word if his life depended on it. In the few years I knew him, he had no less than 10 jobs and plans to: Go to Europe and do construction engineering (despite the fact he had only a high school diploma), open an "awesome" night club (except he didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out), and get a job doing porn with strippers (about the best thing he could hope for).

Alexandria- If Jerome was the male side of the equation, here comes the female side. Landra is well known for jumping into bed with just about any guy but she always has to be in a relationship where a guy takes care of her. Of course, that doesn't keep her from hopping into the sack with his friends or the boyfriends of her own friends. Her jobs have been varied but she was trying to get a degree. Either way, this is the type of person who you make plans with you and the day you are supposed to do something, she either wants to change the plans or has already found something else to do. On one of my ex-wife's birthday parties, she wanted to bring a guy she had known all of 2 weeks from work to join a group of us. I told her "no" because it was a tight group and none of us knew the guy. She ended up cancelling plans with both him and us to go to a concert in St. Louis with some guy she knew from out west. BBD at it's finest ...

Gabriel - Though possessing loyalty, Gabe often finds it extremely hard to be reliable. He can keep a steady job but that's about where it stops. Though he finds ample time to fuck anything that moves, he has trouble keeping plans with people as the BBD always comes up. I have known him to make plans for a weekend only to not so much as call until four or five days passed to tell me "sorry, something came up".

Tammy - The epitome of the BBD. She can't get enough from anyone or anything. Fucks anything that moves. Regails you with how she's going to make millions. Talks about her fabulous upbringing. Yet, the BBD is always a bed, job, or stone throw away.

So ask yourself, are you constantly looking for the BBD? Is the grass always greener until you get there? If it is ... then you are part of the world us normal people can do without.

Surprisingly Comcast "Live Chat" Doesn't Pass the Turing Test

Here is my "live" transcript with Comcast's new "Live Chat" feature that's about as helpful as ... well, a Comcast technician.

Facebook Chronicles Part 1

As many of you know I signed up for Facebook this weekend. It was a long uphill battle pitting friends from out of state I wanted to talk to and not wanting to be annoyed by another social networking web that basically sucks balls. Anyhow, I did find some old frends and family ... but I also found people I had no relationship with in the past talking to me like I'm their damn BFF. Sure I know I'm hot, articulate, have a huge wang, am bigger than Jesus and the Beatles, but for fucksake, I'm getting inundate with messages and invites like Angelina Jolie at Lllith-Fare. Leave me the fuck alone!

I'm guessing this is the same way for many people., so I decided to chronicle the many faces of facebook. This week: The popular guy\girl - much like a former child actor - just refuses to admit it's over. Any chance they get, they have to remind everyone how special they WERE. Here's what their basic form letter looks like ...

Hey how have you been? I haven't seen you in years!
Prologue to a mind-numbing rant that has nothing to do with "you" or the "years" it's been. Hell, you probably saw her last week working the night shift at Walmart.

Back when I was cheerleading I guess things were really hectic.
She's fat.

Well, you remember that party at (insert some former classmate's name here - the more popular at the time the better)?
Oh THAT party. Sure because the 4 years of high school I wasn't drunk or high THAT party was totally AWESOME and memorable ... MAINLY because YOU remember it!!!

Well that's when I knew I'd marry the (former jock turned local gradeschool PE teacher) of my dreams!
Oh wait, I do remember THAT party. That's where like seven guys ran a train on your whore ass ... he musta been the most "special".

Anyhoo, we got married after high school! It is great, we have (insert X number) of children!
Read: I mastered the art of fornicating WITHOUT getting an abortion afterwards!


We should all get together some time and ...
What? Listen to Springsteen's "Glory Days"?

Oh well, I guess I should go ...
I've summed up my life experience in one paragraph!

But I'd really like to hear back from you again!
Please tell me I'm still relevant :-(

Internet Fun

Was posting on a message board for Da Bears and came accross this fun little guy ... and my response:

Some Douchebag: "you have all the classic symptoms of the knowitall syndrome, you should seriously get that checked out."
Actually, I am man enough to admit I needed help. I went to the doctor but he couldn't help. So I went to a specialist clinic. They couldn't either. I went to my priest ... no dice. Finally I went to see God but he couldn't be bothered ... it was Halloween and he was at a costume party ... dressed up as me!

Seacrest goes Borat

So ... you're a blind contestant on American Idol, yeah? ... HIGH-FIVE!!! I like you!

Never go Full Palin

Check it out. Dan Quayle, 1988, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Misspelled words, stumbled over basic grammatical structure and sentence-forming, even in prepared speeches. Dumb, sho'. Not retarded. You know Al Gore, Cinton Administration. Slow-talker, yes. Retarded ideas, maybe. But he birthed a Futurama writer and was a level 12 Vice President. That ain't retarded. Joe Biden, "Yes We Can." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full Palin, GOP. Never go full Palin. You don't buy that? Ask Lloyd Bentsen, 1988, "Dukakis/Bentsen." Remember? Went full Palin, went home empty handed...

An Open Letter to Neo-Cons

Ever since 9/11 the Republican supporters (read YOU) have been told fear the terrorists. There are terrorists coming to kill you. We have to fight them over there instead of here. We need to wire-tap civilians, we need to suspend habeas corpus, we need secret prisons, we need to torture and all of this we are doing for America.

All the while this administration has tried to push their powers even further including claiming that congress has no oversight into their actions. Of course this wasn't a problem for Bushco the first 6 years when Congress was Republican controlled. Our economy is in the shitter and dumbass Republicans (read YOU again) are blaming the policies of the Democrats in Congress. I love that thinking (or lack thereof). We are in two unwinnable wars, Wall Street is collapsing, banks are collapsing and the party that's been in power for the last 8 years (and controlled Congress for far more than that) is blaming terrorists, democrats, and Barack Obama for the woes of this country. How very fucking patriotic you people are.

On top of it, after using scare tactics ever since 9/11 they think they can win an election (again) on the same old tired bullshit. Four years ago it was telling people if Kerry wins the terrorists win. Now it's spinning that Barack Obama is a Muslim with ties to terrorism. The message is clear: scare the same damn sheep into giving us what we want. The problem? People are getting smarter and the democrats and independents don't buy it. And even a lot of the Republicans (read NOT YOU) are asking: "Really? This shit again? Fuck this I'll vote for the secret Muslim baby eater because they can't expect me to be that fucking stupid. Or can they?"

You see the "you're either for us or against us" bullshit they've played with since 9/11 no longer fucking works. McMaverick is exposed as the same old crap; 4 more years of Bush. The Republican message has been dumbed down to such imbecilic catch phrases it's a joke: "If you vote for us your an American otherwise you're a terrorist ... and you're not a terrorist are you?" It's not even political science any more it's CHILD fucking PSYCHOLOGY!!!

Now you look at the McCain and Palin rallies and the word coming up most (even by Faux News) is RAGE. These scared little sheeple who hang on the Republicans every word so the boogeyman terrorists don't get them are in a RAGE. You know why? Because since 9/11 they were told they should give up liberty for safety and they did. They believed everything the Republicans told them and feel safe because they are protected by the all-knowing Republican party. And now they're big security blanket is about to go away and they need childish slogans to chant to make the feel all safe and warm again. And for the last 7 years it's those terrorists that are trying to kill us all that are going to win. Not only that, Barack Obama is a secret, evil, Muslim, terroris, anti-christ. They shout for his death and call him a traitor. Why? Because they were told terrorists are going to kill them all and Barack is not "with them".

They are enraged just like there childlike makeup would suggest. They are fearful because the Republican message has been so filled with scare tactics including in this campaign. Barack is a terrorist; the terrorists are going to win. Now when McCain at his own rally tries to calm the rage by saying "Barack Obama is a decent man and we shouldn't be afraid of him as president" the people actually BOO McCain and call for his death! That's a fucking bell you cannot unring. Most of these people need serious psychological help. You live in fear every day of terrorism and believe your only savior is Chimpy McFlighsuit and John McMaverick and the Republican party. Now your being told that the secret, evil, Muslim, terrorist, anti-christ is going to run the country and possibly rule the world.

If I were a Republican (like YOU) I too would be in a rage ... and scared ... or if I were 5 years old ... and possibly retarded.

Random Pissings

Sarah Palin supports abstinence-based sex education as well as a pro-life agenda. Her teenage daughter is pregnant by some goober and now she wants the situation to remain a "private family" decision. That's great Sarah, you want to dictate how other family's handle their "private" decisions but think your family should be excluded .... Vote for Palin: The Lynn Speers of American Politics!

As the MLB season winds down it's becoming more and more clear St. Louis will NOT be part of the playoffs this season and the Cubs will. After 100 years of ineptness Chicago fans believe this is their year! No, this message is not a repeat from 1908 to 2007 ... or is it? My prediction: Cubs go oh-for-a-century!

Speaking of 100 years of complete ineptitude, John McCain is under fire for not vetting his VP choice. Apparently, an inexperienced politician under investigation for corruption with a pregnant teenage daughter is not the new face of the moral majority. I did hear she likes diddling little boys so that may just save her bacon!

You know the hardest part about being a Green Bay fan is? Telling your parents your gay.

Speaking of the Cubs, Carlos Zambrano is injured, so is Rich Harden, and the Cubs started the month on a 5-game losing streak ... if that doesn't scream "IT'S SEPTEMBER!!!" I don't know what does!

Workplace Harassment for Hetero White Guys

Recently, my company sent out mandatory training for all employees on harassment at work. These "training" sessions pop up once every so often and are taken online at the comfort of your desk. The funny part is that they are so incredibly bad, if you miss an answer you should be fired. Questions and answers are so bad my dog got 10 of 10.

Bob is one of your direct reports. Bob is also a black man. How should you greet Bob in the morning?
A. Tell him "Do my work Toby!" and make whipping sounds.
B. Yell "What's up my urban homey!" at the top of your voice.
C. Say "Hello Bob your a valued member of our team."

Personally, I'd pick A but the people a little higher up than me may frown upon my shenanigans.

To really hammer home the point that your company thinks all of you are stupid, they have to "explain" why the wrong answers are "not the best answers". You mean, I cannot scream at a paraplegic for not standing during the pledge of allegiance? Please, tell me more!

The point is that I never have found any value in these "training" exercises so instead of pissing and moaning, I thought it high times to write my own. And this isn't any run-of-the-mill training exercise, this is the DEFINITIVE workplace harassment guide for WHITE MEN. Finally, something that us white guys can use to help us keep the workplace harassment free! So, let's start the test!

1) Bob is a factory worker but doesn't watch football. Many of his co-wokers do and poke fun at Bob. How do you handle the situation?
A. Poke fun at him endlessly. Compare him to lance armstrong minus the ball. This is not the best answer because at one time Lance Armstrong had two balls and Bob could sue you for wishing him ill.

B. Ask him what's the best tasting underwear he likes with his smothered sausage ... This is not the best answer because some fags tend to be vegan so therefore implying he loves meat could get you in trouble.

C. Get to know him. Invite him on a double date with you, your smokin hot GIRLFRIEND, and her gay male cousin. This is the best answer because it shows you'r not only down with the fucking queers but you got his best interests in mind.

2) Jerome your black male direct report has asked for Qwanza to be considered a holiday. How do you respond?
A. Tell Jerome that there are enough bullshit holidays he can have off. This is not the best answer lest Jerome questions Kasimir Pulaski day.

B. Tell Jerome that unlike MLK day there is no sign on Qwanza that says "Dead Nigger Holiday." This is not the best answer because maybe Black Jesus did die and resurrect after 3 days and therefore his apostles did indeed have dead nigger storage.

C. Tell Jerome that you respect his pride in African-Americans so much that Qwanza will be observed ... but on Thanksgiving, Lincoln's day, and Labor Day he has to work because Niggers were not around for the first, were freed by the second, and won't really be affected either way by the thrid.

3) Pablo spills coffee on your important docs. What do you do?
A. Tell the fucking wet back to go mow the lawn. This is not the best answer because if mowing the lawn isn't in his job description you could face disciplinary action.

B. Ask him not to steal anything while you go grab napkins. This is not the best answer because then he'll know you're on to him.

C. Tell him it's ok because most Mexicans can't afford Starbucks unless they get an employee discount. This is the best answer because he'll appreciate you knowing about his personal life and empathizing with his financial status.

4) Beth, one of your very large direct reports, has shown up to work in a tank top and mini skirt. Both items are against company policy how do you resond?
A. Tell Beth that if God wanted her a size 2 he would have miracled her ass by now. This is not the best reponse because if Beth is an atheist she'll take offense at the use of God in your response. If she is a religious person, telling her God has not responded to her prayers could cause problems.

B. Tell Beth that if you wanted to see that much nauseating skin, you'd rent Silence of the Lambs. This is not the best answer because Beth could take that as an attack on her well-being and report you to HR and the police. No sense going all "Buffalo Bill" on her fat ass.

C. Remind Beth that harassment is a problem in the company and people could start dry heaving at her appearance. This is the best response and she'll thank you for the reminder. (Try not to look at her directly though it's kinda like a bad car wreck - you don't WANT to look ... you just GOTTA look.)

5) Your very attractive direct report Ivana has bought a very nice dress from Macy's and is wearing it today. She asks if you like it. How do you respond?
A) Tell her that it makes her ass look quite fuckable. This is not the best response since it also makes her tits look bigger and more succulent.

B) Tell her it makes the clock in your pants point to high noon. This is not the best response. Drawing attention to your engorged member makes you look like an 8th grader in Sex Ed and Ivana and your subordinates may lose respect for you.

C) Tell her that it looks great and would probably hold it's shape on your bedroom floor all night. This the best reponse. Not only are you complimenting Ivana on her smart style sense but you also are paying a direct complement to the quality of the fabric.

6) Huan is a Vietnamese immigrant who works for your company as a DBA. Recently he disagreed vehemently with your latest proposal. Given that Huan's opinion is valuable but yours is the ultimate decision, how do you respond?
A. Tell Huan you should have shot his ass in D'Nang when you had the chance. This is not the best answer because these slant-eyed little fuckers have patience and a mean streak a mile long. Huan could retaliate and turn the "Welcome" mat in your office into a bamboo staked pit trap.

B. Tell Huan that if he keeps his mouth shut next time, he can have some steaks courtesy of your ready-to-be-put-down St. Bernard. This is not the best answer because St. Bernard is a very low quality of canine delicacy and Huan could take this as an insult to his palate.

C. Tell Huan that though you respect his opinion he can Hanoi you and don't try Tet again. This is the best response because Charlie will know you still hold a grudge and not to fuck with you again.

7) One of your direct reports, Tila, is known as the office Trollop. She offers to give you a blow job for giving her a much wanted promotion. How do your respond?
A. Take the blow job and fire her. This is not the best response because firing her would dampen your chance at getting a blow job later when you really need one.

B. Take the blow job and promote her. This is not the best response because your other direct report Amy is way hotter and you could probably get some anal action too.

C. Take the blow job and giver her a raise. This is - by far - the best answer because - Dude! - it's not your fucking money right!?!

Status Messages

If you've ever used message boards, chat services, IM, or social networking sites, you'll know that one thing you can set is a "status message." Most assholes set these to something that they think is hip or cool but usually allows most normal people to figure out they really are a douchebag and to move on. However, on occassion I have used - or came accross - some of these that do grab my attention. I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

"Masturbating." It's honest and direct and - let's face it - your probably surfin porn anyway.

"Putting the 'sensual' back in 'non-consensual.'" Ladies appreciate a man who takes his time whether it's the guy they fucked in the bathroom of their favorite bar or the stalker who loves dressing up in their thigh highs.

"On a mission from God." I love it. It's all about mystery in this one. Is the person one of those Born-Again rightwing Christian douchebags, maybe they're a John Doe serial killar ala Se7en, or maybe their just a good old down to Earth Chicago Bear fan. It's the journey finding out not the destination.

Those are just a couple, but I'm sure there are more. Here are a couple that will make sure you never get a response from anyone in their right mind:

"Listening to Coldplay." If you're a guy at least you'll get the fucking homos contacting you.

ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT(S). If you're a guy: That's Kevin Spacy gay. If you're a girl, then your some high maintenance cunt with more issues than Readers Digest.

ANYTHING MISSPELLED TO SEEM COOL. This would include (but not be limited by) Chillin, Ballin, Cruizin, and any form of the word "-izzy". So as a general rule if you are "Chillin at the hizzy" you are fucking douche and not worth anyone's time.

Anyone have anything to addy? <-- So, I'm a douchenozzle, I'm chillin with it!

Hillary(AINT)44.org

Need a laugh? Stop on over to HillaryIs44.org, the place where feminist political activists bring their special sort of bat-shiat crazy to the Hillary for President campaign ... and people wonder why she lost the primary?

June 3rd, 2008: When Will Obama Concede?
No this is not a typo. Oh and believe me, you would think from the title it couldn't get any more stupid, but you'd be wrong.

Obama is unelectable and not qualified to be president.
However, he is electable in primaries and just beat the pants off of favorite Hill-Dog whose batshiat insane loyalists - who really did nothing except biatch, moan and call anyone supporting Obama a sexist - are still threatening to vote Republican if Superman (or maybe Superwoman) doesn't fly around the Earth really fast to turn back time so Hillary can ... lose the primary again?

On the night Obama lost South Dakota (Obama's own projections had him winning South Dakota by 15 percent) he spoke in the same hall in which Mondale conceded to the Reagan landslide.
... On the same night he cemented his nomination as the next Democratic presidential candidate you mean?

Obama will either concede now or in November.
Right after unicorns and rainbows fly out of Hillary's ass. Note to author: That word "concede", I don't think it means what you think it means.

Obama won't win Democrats he needs to win (like the Democrats on this very website). In state after state many Democrats clearly state they will either NOT vote, vote for the unacceptable John McCain, or write in Hillary's name.
So now you - and "Democrats" like you - after seeing that other DEMOCRATS - not like you - have chosen Barak Obama over Hill-Dog, you're taking your ball and going home? Is that it? Or are you doing the most democratic of all and THREATENING the DNC that since your candidate lost the next logical step is blackmail? That seems about right. So far we've seen that "you Democrats" and "your candidate" can run a political campaign nearly as savy as Michael Dukakis on month-long crack bender.

That Democrats, many who have never voted for a Republican or nightmared about voting for a Republican, to say they will vote for a Republican is shocking and foreshadows doom for the Democratic Party in November - if Superdelegates actually vote for Rezko/Ayres/Pfleger/Wright/Farrakhan's friend - Obama.
More pop-shots ... and more threats. Extremely enlightening stuff.

Hillary supporters will not vote for Obama on any ticket. Last night, at the Hillary rally, the shouts were Denver, Denver - not tears nor surrender.
Actually it wasn't "tears (or) surrender)" it was denial and delusion. The only thing Hill-Dog and her supporters will have to do in Denver is visit Coors to drown their sorrows because this ship has sailed.

No tears nor surrender came from the voters of South Dakota either. No matter how much Big Media insisted Obama was the nominee the people voted for Hillary. Big Media cannot force feed Obama to "bitter" small town America.
Funny, I didn't see "Big Media" winning Montana for Obama or the other "states that don't matter" to secure his nomination. But then again, those are the "states that don't matter." The tears and surrender I am sure came later when you all plowed head first into a bucket of Ben & Jerry's while telling your cat your troubles.

Last night, Hillary asked America to write to her. Hillary told us this was our campaign.
Hill-Dog: "Now the question is, where do we go from here, and given how far we've come add where we need to go as a party, it's a question I don't take lightly. This has been a long campaign, and I will be making no decisions tonight. But this has always been your campaign, so to the 18 million people who voted for me and to our many other supporters out there of all ages, I want to hear from you. I hope you'll go to my website at HillaryClinton.com and share your thoughts with me and help in any way that you can."
It is your campaign ... and ALL OF YOU ARE LOSERS. On a related note, I, for one, plan on going to her website and telling her where she needs to go!

Hillary spoke about our resilience, our ability to overcome challenges. Hillary was speaking about America, but her words are especially true of her supporters.
Hill-Dog: "You know, tonight we stand just a few miles from the Statue of Liberty. And from the site where the Twin Towers fell ..."
- AND ALMOST FELL ON CHELSEA, err, I mean I MISSPOKE -

"... and where America rose again. Lady Liberty's presence and the towers' absence are a constant reminder that here in America, we are resilient, we are courageous, we embrace all of our people and that when we face our challenges together, there is no barrier we can't overcome, no dream we can't realize, nothing we can't do if we just start acting like Americans again."
Yes that is truly inspiring. Maybe you guys can all talk about it in the coffee clatch Hill-Dog will be running in the coming months because she's going to have lots of free time.

Write to Hillary. Ask Hillary to fight for every vote - including the votes stolen from the voters in Michigan and Florida. Tell Hillary we will not accept the precedent set by the Rules Committee awarding votes to a candidate that was not on the ballot and taking votes away from her which the voters of Michigan entrusted to her worthy care.
Revisionist history anyone? The Michigan and Florida votes that Hill-Dog's camp voted wouldn't count? Then when she left her name - the only name on the Michigan ballot, finds her ass getting handed to her, and NOW it's time to count that vote? Get a fucking grip you fuck-twat! You don't want a democracy you want a dick-less Hiltatorship.

Donate to Hillary. Add 44 cents to show our grassroots support for her historic campaign.
Yes, because that 44 cents will go to pay off the millions she's run up in debt!

Let Hillary know we will never concede to Obama's race-baiting, gay-bashing, woman-hating campaign of deception and distraction. On to Denver!
Yes, we prefer Hill-Dog's racist, gay-bashing, feminazi man-hating campaign of delusion, incompetence and out-and-out FAIL to lead this country!

Let Obama know he will concede at the Democratic Convention or he will concede in November - Obama is not duping us out of our votes.
Ummm, sorry dumbass but it seems to me the maj-or-it-y (sound it out, you'll get the hang of it) has already spoken. Your little fits, tirades, threats and everything else really amount to a bunch of sore-losing feminists who brought nothing but vitrol and sexism to a campaign and now wants to threaten, degrade, bully, and throw tantrums to try and get their way. Not only do you - and your candidate - reak of desperation and contempt for those you want to lead, but you truly exemplify the problem with your campaign and why DEMOCRATS have chosen Obama over the unelectable and divisive Hill-Dog.

Thanks for the articles and please keep up the laughs. Knock-knock ... hey it's reality and HE would like a word with you!

Tips for Criminals

If you're going to commit a crime, here are a few helpful hints I learned while watching "Cops".

Dress the Part
Brothers - Pull up your damn pants and dress the part when you are going to commit crime. Think about accesorizing by wearing a fucking belt to keep your baggy pants from falling off in case of a foot pursuit. Remember, style means nothing if you're getting pounded in the ass in prison.

White guys - There is a reason they call it a wife beater. Wearing a wife-beater = instant jail duing a domestic dispute. The only other way you can look more guilty is if you decide to go shirtless.

Things not to Say
"It's not mine" or the ever popular "I'm holding it for a friend." This is how you separate the criminals from the criminally stupid. Either of these phrases instantly tells police they are dealing with a complete fucktard. If you are truly holding drugs, weapons, etc. for a friend, then you deserve not only to go to jail but wear a "I'm fucking stupid" tattoo on your forehead for life. It's not that hard to figure out that you're lying, so try a better story.

"I only had one beer." Yes, the police pulled you over to commend you on your excellent driving skills while weaving in and out of your lane, running stop lights, or - in general - driving like an unlicensed 3-year old.

"What did I do officer?" Yes, this is a great ploy. Act totally shocked when caught red-handed committing a crime. Forget the fact that you have an arm-full of stolen DVD's, standing 10-feet from a broken window of the local Best Buy. You are completely taken unawares as to why you'd be stopped and handcuffed.

Know Your Role
Don't threaten the police or try to fight them. They LIVE for that shit. Some guy with a small dick and a Napoleon-complex would LOVE, absolutey LOVE to fuck you up with their night stick. Oh, and if you got a weapon that's double score lotto bonus for them!

You are a criminal not their buddy. Trying to kiss the cop's ass just gets them off on their power trip. These guys aren't going to fall in love with you or want to go drinking later. Ass-kissing strokes their ego all the way to when they throw your dumbass in jail.

Quit begging. Not only are officers not going to give in to your whiny little bitch ass, you're going to lose any street cred you may have by pleading your hardships to the police. It's the equivalent of the crack-head from Menace II Society telling K-Dawg "Man, I'll suck your dick." Sure the consequences aren't as drastic but for the love of god - MAN UP!

These are just a few tips to help our my lawful readers. Granted, most people who read this blog are more likely to be Gitmo'd then actually be taken down for something like a garden-variety crime but you never know. One last word of advice: wear two pairs of boxers at all time. When you go into county you'll need to wash your drawers in the sink to stay hygenic. If you're waiting for your ONLY pair of boxers to dry, you're gonna look like a gay ATM to hardened\hard-on'd criminals.

High School Musical

Since my children are young, they asked me to get them High School Musical so they could watch it. Jesus, I'd rather have nails shoved in my eyes by a love-drunk Kathy Bates ala Misery. After having to sit through this movie, I came to the conclusion that Hollywood hates America. Seriously, what the fuck was the pitch meeting like at that piece of shit?

Pitchman: OK are you ready for this. We want to make 90210 the movie only with singing and 80% gayer!
Exec: You have my full attention.

The only non-gay thing to come out of this were the high-res pictures of Vanessa Hudgens doing a full frontal. I'll be in my bunk.

What do you mean Mary Jane is a man in a mask?

Miss Spoke in 2008!

As I write this blog please understand that this may be my last. I am hunkered down in Morton, IL, pinned down by sniper fire from Sri Lankan terrorists. If things go badly though, I want my last moments on Earth to go to a worthy cause: Hill-Dog in '08!

Connor just returned fire from his AK-47. That'll buy us some time ...

Anyhow, I am worried that this country may fall in the hands of the inexperienced and idealistic Barack Obama. Do you really think he's ready to answer that phone at 3am? I don't. I mean, if Hillary answers it, it'll just mean another day of "mispoke" tales of how she dodged sniper fire on a peace mission, or how Chelsea almost died on 9/11 dodging building debree while jogging, mothers who died because they did not have insurance, and countless other "mispoken" things that just show she's a little tired and not at all a liar.

If Barack answers it he may have to actually make decisions and not be all sleepy in stuff. Can we trust him to not be sleepy?!? What if he "mispokes" even worse? He could accidentally tell someone to bomb a 3rd world country instead of ordering his latte. Do you want that blood on your hands???

With Hillary we know where she stands ... on a record of doing the opposite of everything she says while riding her husbands coattails to the fullest! I mean she was against the war before Obama was against the war - despite her voting for it and all. Hell, she was probably black before Obama was too! I want another politician like George Bush who can piss in my ear while shitting on my rights. That is what this country stands for!

Jesus, the sniper fire is so thick you could cut it with a knife! Caitlin just took out a couple with a claymore ...

Anyway, if we vote for Barack the terrorists will win! It is that important. We need to let in Michigan delegates - whose ballots only had Clinton on it - because it's the right thing to do. Sure both Obama and Clinton camps agreed to exlude Michigan and Florida primaries, but that was before she knew she would be the only candidate on the ballot ... and she was the favorite to win the election. How could she possibly know that then? Isn't it good enough she realizes it now!?!

OK, I have to get back on my howitzer. The snipers are everywhere and I want to make sure we drive them off before Sinbad gets here. Not the comedian, the actual pirate!

Kerry Wood Watch

Well, the decision to name Kerry Wood as the closer for the Chicago Cubs is already paying off dividends ... for the NL Central.

Wood showed his mastery today as Carlos Zambrano pitched a near perfect 2-hitter through the 8th inning. Wood came on in the 9th and his first pictch as the Cubs closer was a microcosm of his career as he hit a batter. This was a sign of what was to come as woods gave up 2 hits, 3 earned runs, and a walk to go with the hit batsmen.

If it weren't for Fukudome's bottom of the ninth heroics hitting a home run to tie that game at 3-3, Chicago would have fallen with Wood starting the season 0-1 despite no longer being a starter. Eventually, Bob Howry took the loss for Chicago giving up a sacrifice fly in the 10th to Tony Gwynn, but I think we all know who blew this game for the Cubs!

Thank you Kerry from one Cardinal fan to a washed-up, never-was-or-will-be.

You're Doing it Wrong: Masturbating at Work

Easter Sunday I ate an early dinner with my girlfriend and all the kids. Despite chowing down on ham, potato salad, deviled eggs by the handful and plenty of bake beans; I found myself starving later that night. I ended up raiding the cupboard for a late-night nacho concoction complete with chips, cheese and jalapenos.

Monday, when I went to work, I was damn near tearing my pants off around 8:30 as the gas and nachos decided "no mas". The corporate bathroom is a tiled area with three urinals and two stalls. The furthest stall - the handicapped stall - was available amazingly just after breakfast. I made my way to drop the kids off at the pool not giving a second glance to the other "taken" stall.

Now, if you're going masturbate in public, I am sure there are countless rules. To be honest, I am no expert - I'm a web developer\architect not a Republican politician. However, based on my experience this mornging, I think I can hand out some quality tips to those who just can't seem to make it 30 minutes into their Monday without engaging in man-to-hand combat.

1) Try to keep it down.
People are in their to take a piss and\or shit. Your heavy breathing and occassional "aaahhhhh" groans may attract unwanted attention. It's a bathroom stall not a sound-proof recording studio where you can record your latest R. Kelly tribute.

2) If you fail to abide by rule #1, try to keep the "fap-fap-fap-fap" sound to a minimum while shuffling your feet.
And the unmistakable sound of fapping is hard to explain away. And "Umm, sorry guys I was just feeding an ice cream cone to my penis," excuse ain't gonna cut it. Also you would be well advised not to bang against the bathroom stall wall like your trying to build a new edition onto the fucking thing.

3) If you fail at avoiding #1 and #2, at least try to remember that your not invisible.
Bathroom stalls only cover from your shin on down. From there, the guy next to you can see your pants around your ankles while your belt dips, twists and gyrates like you have an angry marlin on the line. Seriously about the best you can hope for is someone thinking you're in convulsions or an early onset of parkinsons.

4) OK, so you've failed to take the first three precautions. OK, at least have your feet facing the proper direction.
Your pants are around your ankles and your shoes are facing THE TOILET for a good 5 minutes? Either you are 5 years old, have the worst case of stage fright ever, or your playing your own skin solo to "Push the little daisies." Come on man, at least try to make it look like you're doing something else!

5) OK, ya fucked up the first 4 points but now here's some redemption. You can still explain it all away with an enlarged prostate, just finish quietly.
Jesus christ man what the hell are you thinking?!? You've been standing there for 5 minutes, the only sound louder than your contstant "fap-fap-fap" is you breathing like you've been hired for a 900-line and now ... now you got to give us a fucking audio-aid to the fucking money shot? You don't shoot it directly in the water, man! On top of that, the long, exaserated breath you let out is un-fucking-mistakable to anyone's who corralled a tadpole or two.

6) OK, man maybe the urge was just too much. You can still leave with some dignity.
Holy fucking christ on a Ritz cracker, he's actually spinning the toilet paper and cleaning himself off. What the fuck dude? Forget dignity, think about self-preservation. iT'S monday fucking morning right after breakfast. Someone had to hear all that. Don't exacerbate the situation by taking your time to tidy up.

7) Ok no chance left at dignity. Just steal away like a thief in the night.
I finish my constitutional and make my way to the sink when there are three guys sitting out there chatting. I look down at their shoes and FOR FUCKSAKE! You don't fucking hang around and loiter after that. What possible fucking explaination could you have? And not only that, now I get to see you in person and try and decide do I make fucking eye contact? Will you think I'm interested if I do? What the fuck!?!

So I did the only rational thing, I kept my head down and made my way to the sink. But as soon as someone initiated conversation I spun around, glared at the chronic masturbator and did my best evil monkey impersonation ....

Hey if it keeps him from coming around me - or near me for that matter - I'm all for it.

ps. Aside from the evil monkey stare, this blog post is 100% truth.

Yet More Random Pissings

After several high-profile "gay sex" scandals it seems the Republicans are coming around to the fact that homosexuality is genetic and not a choice. White House press secretary had this to say: "With the recent news and scientific research. The Republican party wants to acknowledge that Senator Larry Craig - and many like him - did not CHOOSE to have gay sex in a men's bathroom; instead they were BORN to have gay sex in a men's bathroom."

Kerry Wood has been named the Chicago Cub's closer for the 2008 season ... That is all.

Borrowed: When I go out, I want to go like my granpa - quietly and in his sleep ... Not screaming like the rest of the passengers in his car.

Paris Hilton wants to pick her new BFF in a reality tv show. Paris wants to be able to impart her knowledge upon her about things such as: how to be useless on $5,000,000 a day, proper cell phone etiquette during sex, and how to hide a herpes outbreak and while flashing your hoo-hah to anyone with a camera.

With the trade of QB Brian Griese and no offseason movement, the Chicago Bears will enter their July camp with Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, and a quarterback to be named later. If you ask me, the QB depth chart is shaping up like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and a big gaping hole.

Welcome to the Dumbest Thing I've Heard this year - Part I

Read the article here and see the commentary.

The story goes undercover cops served warrants in a dangerous neighborhood. A 20yo, known drug dealer, was a bystander on the street at the time and snapped a picture with his cell phone. The cops approached him, arrested him, and confiscated his phone. IMHO this would be a violation of rights and it will probably end in a lawsuit. A few of the "9/11!!!eleventy!!!", "if your not with us your with the tuhrist!" morons then went off comparing this to people who think dangerously - you know, people who do not want their rights violated. They then called the guy a scumbag who got what he deserved. When I pointed out what if THEY had taken the picture would it be ok for the cops to arrest them? I got two of the dumbest fucking responses I have ever read. Be warned, your IQ and faith in humanity will plummet after reading what follows:

GONASA: "The only rights getting trampled are those of pushers, pimps and terrorists. Which of those are you?"
What is scary and sad is that not only does he believe this, he's ok with it. I'm not going to cry for pushers, pimps, or terrorists but what people fail to see is the slippery slope. When we allow police to decide - on the spot - what rights you have, we have become a fascist state.

But for all of GONASA's naivete, lack of education, and latent stupidity, he couldn't even put a blip on my radar compared to JoeyG. Of course, it came from a "Bushy." It's always these over-the-top, you're with us or the turrists!, dumb fucks that come up with the best stupidity. Today, it comes from JoeyG in Florida. To be honest, if I were a grown man and still going by "Joey" I'd have to kick my own ass. OK, here's what JoeyG has to say ... best read while humming "God Bless America" (bold added by me):

When the cops are doing something harmul to the law abiding public, or being crooked (and I don't define crooked as taking a drug dealers phone away), or when most the cops are working with the bad guys like they have done so often in the past, THEN we should stand up and confront the enemy and stop it. That isn't happening now. We have isolated incidences, but NOTHING like it is in most other countries and Nothing like it was here back in the early to mid 20th century.
But you guys are acting like this cop was conspiring with Al Capone or Osama Bin Laden and that he did something so bad.
The people that believe that are absolutely PARANOID. These are the same type people that are against the patriot act, vote for Ron Paul for the wrong reason, think the goverment is involved in some conspiracy against it's citizens, think many if not most cops are bad, put a criminals perceived civil rights in front of a law abiding citizens right to life, think that 9/11 was an "inside job", think that waterboarding is torture, think that a cop unlawfully taking a drug dealers phone means we are on the verge of MARTIAL LAW...NAZI style.
You guys have been so brain washed, it's made you totally paranoid and the paranoia has rendered your brain incapable of using logic.
So pathetic I can't even begin to tell you.
I suppose you also think it should be ILLEGAL to interview and interrogate muslims with backpacks getting ready to enter a mall (while chanting their final prayer), without interviewing and interrogating every other person with backpacks entering the mall too. God forbid we miss the school kids with their back packs. Certainly this violates the muslims civil rights.
And in many areas of the country that have very high populations of ILLEGAL immigrants, we can't pull them over at any higher rate than any other group, even though it is a FACT that most don't have drivers licenses, many insurance, and they are 3 times more likely to be driving under the influence than other white drivers.
I can give you a MILLIONS scenarios where it's in our best interest to use some common sense and logic, instead of the perceived MINOR violation of the persons civil rights.
Republican or democrat, either way, it's detestable.

Patriot act? Check. Turrists!? Check. Illegal immigrants? Check. Veiled racism? Check. Bushy? Check. Yes folks, I couldn't even make-up something that stupid. There is a reason on Fark that Florida has it's own tag. God Bless America you damn proud American!

Morton Walmart can Suck My Nuts

As always, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping so I went to the local Walmart for presents for my three kids and my girlfriend's daughter. I had about thirty things going on at once that day but the kids come first so I took my time buying thoughtful presents for all of them. After shopping for about two hours, I had a cart loaded for Christmas and made my way to the front. Of course, there were plenty of people just like me so I sat in line for another 20 minutes waiting my turn patiently.

Once to the front, the girl at the counter did her job getting me my packages and quickly bagging them. I then loaded my cart back up. It was overflowing as I dropped a little over 3 bills just there.

As I made my way back to the front of the store to exit I was accosted by a Walmart greeter\douchebag who walked directly in my path and said, "Sir, I need to see your receipt."

You know, if I hadn't just spent 2.5 hours in your store and dropped over $300 I may have been in a better mood but I wasn't. On top of that, no one NEEDS to see anything of mine. You may WANT to, but you don't NEED to. So I simply looked at him and said "No".

Apparently, the really nice old people from the commercials are just that. In commercials. Because this guy became aggressive. "I NEED to look at your receipt," he stated more firmly this time.

I just spent all that time, now this douchebag wants to go through every item in my cart (probably 30-40 things with stocking stuffers) to make sure the cashier didn't miss a 99 cent bobble? Really? Obviously my winning personality came out as I can't stand little men who think they hold some sort of power.

"Ask the girl that just checked me out, I'm sure she' got a copy," I shot back and kept walking toward the door.

The guy then followed me out the door fucking BELLOWING "SIR! ... SIR!!!" So now, in a packed Walmart with people coming and going, this asshole decides to make a scene like I'm some guy walking out with all the fucking gold in Fort Knox. Once about 20 feet outside, I heard him very condescendingly yell "Have a NICE DAY sir!"

What a classy guy and a classy place! I've decided since then that my money is better spent elsewhere whenever possible. Not that Walmart gives a shit but maybe they'll start caring when more people quit using their store because of the greeter gestapo who has way, way, way too much time on their hands and a over-abundance of self-importance.

Walmart can get fucked.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I am late with my St. Patty's day well-wishes because I think the server techs for Comcast are all fucking stupid and drunk which is not a good combination.

Anyhow, I ate a ton of corned beef and cabbage and two reubens. I'm on my 3rd green beer. St. Patrick's day is Irish christmas.

Favorite St. Patrick's phrase of all time came when my brother and I spent a St. Patty's day bar-hopping (must be said with an Irish accent of course): Oooohh, we're gonna get so Irish!

Dear Negro Community

The History Channel's new show "Ax Men" is not a quiz, self-help, or talk show. Please quit sending complaints about "false advertising."

Thank you,
The FCC

Da First Church of Da Coach

New blog, you know the drill. A satirical look at Chicago Bear Nation with over the top commentary and some news along the way. Kinda like this blog but only dedicated to Chicago football.

Check it out here.

The Brett Favre Revisionist History

I said I wouldn't write about it, but I just cannot help myself. The national fellation of Brett Fav-ruh has begun. Writers are tripping over themselves trying to out-do each other on who can make the biggest, douchiest statements and compare Fav-ruh to Michael Jordan, sliced bread, and the 2nd coming of Christ himself. Here's a look at revisionist history from this week:

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): The Giants upset the Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Lambeau Field, denying Favre a chance at wining his third Super Bowl.
Actually this is the tip of the revisionist iceberg. I saw comments saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Brett!!!" That would be like me saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Rex!!!" It's been 11 years since Fav-ruh won his ONLY Super Bowl; "all those Super Bowls" means getting them two 2 in 1996 and 1997. He returned the following year to get trounced by Denver even as a 14.5-point favorite. The closest Green Bay would ever come again was this season when they lost the NFC Championship game at Lambeua as 12.5-point favorites.
You would think the Senior NFL Writer at Sportsline would know this ... but then you read Pete Prisco and realized the error in your assumption.

John Madden, scores of blogs, national articles, and countless polls: Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever!
Most of the rabid meatheads will spout all the records Favre has set while kinds omitting the obvious stuff like ... Since the 1997 Super Bowl, Fav-ruh has a 3-7 record in the playoffs and has several emabarassing post-season performances. The guy played 17 seasons as an iron-man, but has only one Super Bowl ring and more post-season failures than successes. Calling him the best ever is homre-ism at best.

Favre's Agent James "Bus" Cook: "Nobody pushed Bret Favre out the door, but then nobody encouraged him not to go out that door, either,"
Oh my god, they made Fav-ruh retire. You bastards!
Let's not forget that this guy was elevated to God-like status in Wisconsin and each of the last five years has held the organization over a barrel with the same "Will he retire, won't he retire" offseason. Let's also forget that Green Bay welcomed him back AGAIN this season even after 2005 and 2006 campaigns in which he posted some of the worst ratings of his life while compiling a 12-20 record.
To be honest, I would have encouraged Fav-ruh to retire before the 2007 if I were the GM. With young talent waiting in the wings and very little fan expectations, retirement would have better benefitted the Packers. With this last season and the way it ended in a decimating loss, Green Bay will likely struggle next season as they transition to a new quarterback and try to pickup the pieces from 2007. But don't tell that to Favre or Jame "throw the Packers organization under the Bus" Cook.

Mark Kriegel (Fox Sports): His accomplishments as a quarterback might be quantifiable, but his virtues are not. There's a reason Brett Favre is regarded as a kind of national treasure, that the affection directed his way violates all demographic suppositions, cutting across all the usual divides of race, class, sex and geography.
Really? Aside from the author, John Madden, and Peter King, Fav-ruh is a fucking national treasure? What demographics does he "cut accross"? Obese, middle-aged, white guys in Wisconsin is his core demographic. The only reason people revere him is for what he's done on the field. PERIOD. Do we really need to point out his shortcomings especially early in his career of being a bullheaded-douchebag and not a good teammate? Of course not, this is revisionist history. Those pesky drug and alcohol addictions need not be mentioned either.

Of course, I went out to a couple of message boards and decided to have some fun with the fans. Maybe it was when I pointed out Favre's lack of rings since he quit drinking and drugs, maybe it was when someone suggested a "suicide-watch" for Packer-nation and I told him "that would imply we want to stop them", or maybe it was just me being me. One passionate wordsmith had this to say:

"Hey shit-head, faggot Bear fuck! You're just jealous Brett Favre is better than any quarterback in history and if you say otherwise you're lying to yourself. The fucking Bears could combine Orton and Grossman together and they still wouldn't have the talent Favre has in his left nut! Even though the greatest QB ever retired (maybe) the Packers STILL made it to the NFC Championship this year and have the talent to go to the Super Bowl next season. Sleep well knowing that assfuck!!!"

I thought about several ways of answering this. I could point out Chicago has been to more Super Bowls in the past decade than Green Bay - with less-accomplished quarterbacks. I could point out that I may be a fag but at least I'm unfamiliar with the talent-level of my favorite QB's left nut. But I figured a picture was worth a thousand words (and maybe a couple more from the caption):


I sleep on a pile of discarded, unopened "2007 NFC Champion Green Bay Packer" memorabilia. The tears of Brett Favre make it more comfortable than it sounds!

Beowulf

OK, the blog post for this will be upcoming for this crapimation piece of flaming shrek shit but I ask one question: With all of the big name stars in this movie, why - oh God why - did they have one of the Wayans brothers play the queen???



Blog to follow soon ...

This Woman Nearly Hit Me at a Drive Thru

After this biatch cut me off and ran over the back of my shoe, she refused to even look at me while I berated her for being the fat, loud, ignorant piece of Green Bay Packer rootin' cocktaster that she is ... So I snapped her picture for an LOL Fat Cat.